GAAH! Waist deep snow. Yesterday I spent over three hours shoveling waist deep snow out of my rather long driveway. My back hurts. I hear three people have died of shoveling snow this weekend. I was not among them but there was a point where I could understand how it happens.
I'm tired. Stupid daylight savings time. You know, 7:30 came an hour early this morning. That wasn't fair. The kids I watch are sick today (how very encouraging for our overall health...) which means I could go back to bed. Except, I f'ed around on the computer too long and now my kids are up. Oops! We should go somewhere today. Maybe to the grocery store since I wasn't able to get out of the house on saturday like I had planned.
So. Much. Snow.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
cold season and personal growth
We've fared mostly well this cold seaons, with the exception of a "24 hour flu" in which Jonas only vomited once with no other symptoms, Lavinia had an evening of being pretty consistently sick but woke up feeling fine, and I felt like I was repeatedly run over by a truck for 4 days while emptying my stomach of all possible content every hour. It's seems really unfair, but in this I started to learn that I need to set some limits concerning my sleep/work priorities. People have been telling me this, and I've know it would be a good idea, but I guess I needed a good kick in the ass to really get it. Actually, I didn't "get it" right away after that, either. I'm thick.
I had been watching kids in my home mondays - thursdays (8 hours days, give or take), then working over nights thursdays and saturdays as a postpartum Doula. That's crazy, I know, but it paid the bills. As this routine started to really ware on me it also started to become less available. I slowly started to realize I can't live like this and stay healthy. Then that theory was proven rather efficiently.
Then I did something that surprised even myself. When a ridiculous, drive across town in a snowstorm to a house I've never been to, 1 night fill-in job was offered to me I turned it down. It's hard to fight the urge to make just a little more money because I know how much we need every little penny. At the same time, though, I know that we're doing fine and will continue to do fine, and that "need" is a really subjective term.
Since turning that job down I've felt much better about the whole thing, and am more willing to turn down opportuneties that really won't work well for me. I've started with a new (and very adorable) little one two days a week, and that will help fill the financial space of those jobs I thought I had to do. I'm feeling good about things, and in a few months I'll have this new cutie and her big brother three days a week which will put me ever so slightly above the two job income without any of the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of social life (for me and my kids)!
I know this sounds like very tiny steps, but for me it's breaking the mentality behind the actions that I'm excited about. That tiny step is going to make way for much larger personal progress. I think.
I had been watching kids in my home mondays - thursdays (8 hours days, give or take), then working over nights thursdays and saturdays as a postpartum Doula. That's crazy, I know, but it paid the bills. As this routine started to really ware on me it also started to become less available. I slowly started to realize I can't live like this and stay healthy. Then that theory was proven rather efficiently.
Then I did something that surprised even myself. When a ridiculous, drive across town in a snowstorm to a house I've never been to, 1 night fill-in job was offered to me I turned it down. It's hard to fight the urge to make just a little more money because I know how much we need every little penny. At the same time, though, I know that we're doing fine and will continue to do fine, and that "need" is a really subjective term.
Since turning that job down I've felt much better about the whole thing, and am more willing to turn down opportuneties that really won't work well for me. I've started with a new (and very adorable) little one two days a week, and that will help fill the financial space of those jobs I thought I had to do. I'm feeling good about things, and in a few months I'll have this new cutie and her big brother three days a week which will put me ever so slightly above the two job income without any of the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of social life (for me and my kids)!
I know this sounds like very tiny steps, but for me it's breaking the mentality behind the actions that I'm excited about. That tiny step is going to make way for much larger personal progress. I think.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Blog More
Oh my. I really don't post very often. I'm trying to remedy this.
I guess, for now, I'll just talk about my day. Here's how it's gone thus far:
Alarm goes off at 7:22am. I jump up carefully so as not too disturb the little sleeplings nestled in on either side of me. This kind of breath holding, barely moving, slide out of bed with as little disruption as possible is like creeping past a pack of wolves, with that constant concern of what will happen if you fail. I've never actually tried to sneak past a pack of wolves, but I imagine it would be much like this. The consequences of either are about the same. I'd probably be very good at it.
At any rate, I foolishly decided to hit snooze and climb back into my warm cocoon. Actually, I did that twice. But by a quarter to eight I had no choice but to finally face the morning. It seemed harder than usual.
After this it's usually shower, dress, coffee, and breakfast in front of the computer. Unfortunately those bad decisions I made first thing this morning came back to bite me in the ass. The unthinkable happened; Lavinia woke up. While I'm getting dressed she woke up, which meant the routine already made tight by my selfish desire for 8 more minutes of sleep was made impossible by having to help her start her day. Stupid, unthinking me. I didn't even get to finish making breakfast, let alone sit around with coffee, before the little ones arrived. Since then it's been "take me to the bathroom....feed me.....watch me...feed me.....I have to PEE!!!!.....I'm hungry.....I can jump off the table onto the chair....AAAAHHHHHH it hurts so much!.....I want apples....I don't like apples I want cheese....I hate you forever.....read me a story.....Do I look bootiful? NO! I don't look bootiful I look cool.....I'm hungry......I have to pee...." and so on.
As if this isn't enough, I'm trying to think of something interesting to do after the childcare children leave (in about 10 minutes.) This is more difficult than it sounds, being Feburary in Ohio. Most interesting places close at 5pm on weekdays, and we've worn out the places that don't. Spring needs to find us soon. We barely get out of the house anymore, especially the kids.
My plan is to feed them dinner, take them somewhere (anywhere, at this point) and get them back home, jammas, brushed teeth, clean faces, and quietly in bed by 8pm. If I achieve this miracle I will have time to myself before getting that early bedtime I so desperately need.
Alarm goes off at 7:22am. I jump up carefully so as not too disturb the little sleeplings nestled in on either side of me. This kind of breath holding, barely moving, slide out of bed with as little disruption as possible is like creeping past a pack of wolves, with that constant concern of what will happen if you fail. I've never actually tried to sneak past a pack of wolves, but I imagine it would be much like this. The consequences of either are about the same. I'd probably be very good at it.
At any rate, I foolishly decided to hit snooze and climb back into my warm cocoon. Actually, I did that twice. But by a quarter to eight I had no choice but to finally face the morning. It seemed harder than usual.
After this it's usually shower, dress, coffee, and breakfast in front of the computer. Unfortunately those bad decisions I made first thing this morning came back to bite me in the ass. The unthinkable happened; Lavinia woke up. While I'm getting dressed she woke up, which meant the routine already made tight by my selfish desire for 8 more minutes of sleep was made impossible by having to help her start her day. Stupid, unthinking me. I didn't even get to finish making breakfast, let alone sit around with coffee, before the little ones arrived. Since then it's been "take me to the bathroom....feed me.....watch me...feed me.....I have to PEE!!!!.....I'm hungry.....I can jump off the table onto the chair....AAAAHHHHHH it hurts so much!.....I want apples....I don't like apples I want cheese....I hate you forever.....read me a story.....Do I look bootiful? NO! I don't look bootiful I look cool.....I'm hungry......I have to pee...." and so on.
As if this isn't enough, I'm trying to think of something interesting to do after the childcare children leave (in about 10 minutes.) This is more difficult than it sounds, being Feburary in Ohio. Most interesting places close at 5pm on weekdays, and we've worn out the places that don't. Spring needs to find us soon. We barely get out of the house anymore, especially the kids.
My plan is to feed them dinner, take them somewhere (anywhere, at this point) and get them back home, jammas, brushed teeth, clean faces, and quietly in bed by 8pm. If I achieve this miracle I will have time to myself before getting that early bedtime I so desperately need.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Why is there orange juice on the floor?
...and on the table, and in the tea set, and the play toaster? *let it go, let it go, let it go...* "WHY IS THE ORANGE JUICE ALL OVER THE FREAKING HOUSE!?!?!" Oops. I really meant to let it go this time. Alright, so the orange juice incident may be directly related to my time-wasting on the computer, but really, why are they playing with orange juice at all? Is this mess making or learning? Oh damnit. It's the same thing. I'm just a freakin' control freak. Ok, fine, but what are they learning? No, stop it, stop it. ugh, I'm constantly dissecting their activities and behaviours. This may not be wise. I need to let it go.
It's probably that I want to show off how learny they are, and prove that unschooling works. It defeats the point of unschooling if I keep searching for and bragging about their "learning moments". Unschooling is supposed to be not focusing on this. It's supposed to be learning life. All their learning is relevant, not just the academic related things. I know this. I have nothing to prove here, really. I was unschooled - I know it works, that's why I'm doing it. Why do I keep second guessing myself? Why do I feel this overpowering desire to see academic "results"? Why am I measuring the importance of one type of skill against another? I don't need external validation to know that unschooling is good for us. My hope is that they will eventually learn that when you pour orange juice all over the table it spills onto the floor and makes a big sticky mess, which is unpleasant and you'll have to change your clothes which is inconvenient and disrupts the flow of the tea party. Not that when you pour orange juice all over the table mom yells at you and you don't have any fun.
Maybe I'm just a neat freak with mess hang ups. Actually that's not a maybe, that's a definite. There needs to be some middle ground that I can feel good about. The truth is, I'm exhausted and the thought of cleaning up an additional, huge mess is overwhelming. But it's not fair for me to refuse them such fantastic sensory experiences - especially Jonas. In fact, I should be ecstatic that he wants to get messy. That's such a positive thing. Except, you know, I have to clean up the mess when they're done. See, I really don't want to limit them out of convenience for me.
It's probably that I want to show off how learny they are, and prove that unschooling works. It defeats the point of unschooling if I keep searching for and bragging about their "learning moments". Unschooling is supposed to be not focusing on this. It's supposed to be learning life. All their learning is relevant, not just the academic related things. I know this. I have nothing to prove here, really. I was unschooled - I know it works, that's why I'm doing it. Why do I keep second guessing myself? Why do I feel this overpowering desire to see academic "results"? Why am I measuring the importance of one type of skill against another? I don't need external validation to know that unschooling is good for us. My hope is that they will eventually learn that when you pour orange juice all over the table it spills onto the floor and makes a big sticky mess, which is unpleasant and you'll have to change your clothes which is inconvenient and disrupts the flow of the tea party. Not that when you pour orange juice all over the table mom yells at you and you don't have any fun.
Maybe I'm just a neat freak with mess hang ups. Actually that's not a maybe, that's a definite. There needs to be some middle ground that I can feel good about. The truth is, I'm exhausted and the thought of cleaning up an additional, huge mess is overwhelming. But it's not fair for me to refuse them such fantastic sensory experiences - especially Jonas. In fact, I should be ecstatic that he wants to get messy. That's such a positive thing. Except, you know, I have to clean up the mess when they're done. See, I really don't want to limit them out of convenience for me.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
video games?
I believe in radical unschooling. I swear I do. You know, in theory. I'm a patient, don't sweat it kind of girl (ignore other posts saying complete opposite of this) but there are some things I'm not so convinced of here, namely, tv and video games. I read a blog talking about this very subject. Good points, sure, nothing I haven't heard before by the very loud and abundant RUs out there. I'm waiting for someone's words to inspire hope in me, but so far I'm left in a quandary. "Make your life more interesting." Right. I know that's a good answer, but my fear is that my life isn't that interesting.
For some people there is nothing so fascinating as video games. I know you can waste hours and think you've only been on a short time. This worries me. I have trouble myself with wasting time online when I have millions of other things that I should be doing. I've seen weak people fall at the hand of online RPGs. It's hard for me to be trusting in this. Sure, people who spend their whole lives playing video games, and have no real interests outside of them, are the exception. Perhaps their problem is precisely that they never learned to self limit, in fact, I'd bet on that. What troubles me, however, is this very common (and relatively new) phenomenon of men whom's favorite, and frequently all consuming past time is playing xbox after work (before work, during work, instead of work, geting stoned and playing all night - oh dear I'm getting carried away). Right, I get it; they didn't learn to self limit. They weren't unschooled. Right, yes, probably.
Still, it's difficult momentarily to believe that at some point they will learn to self limit and will be fascinating people with very varied interests. They are not this currently. They are furious balls of energy who never tire of staring at a screen. They're interests are limited at best. For Jonas it's lego, video games, Miyazaki films, weapons and taking pictures of these things. For Lavinia it's tea parties, dress up, nursing, dolls, Miyazaki films and having her picture taken. Oh, and watching Jonas play video games.
Perhaps I have an irrational fear of this. That's likely. We have no television because I don't want the commercialism (among many, many other things) to be accessed freely whenever they wish. We still watch movies, though. We don't watch them during the day because I take care of other kids, too, but in the evening they have free reign over it. They're usually not that interested, and rarely ever watch anything back-to-back. So I can see that this idea works. I'm just stuck at the video games. I'm trying not to limit, and let it play out, but when it comes to online games there are just some things I cannot feel good about. Am I needlessly hung up about this?
For some people there is nothing so fascinating as video games. I know you can waste hours and think you've only been on a short time. This worries me. I have trouble myself with wasting time online when I have millions of other things that I should be doing. I've seen weak people fall at the hand of online RPGs. It's hard for me to be trusting in this. Sure, people who spend their whole lives playing video games, and have no real interests outside of them, are the exception. Perhaps their problem is precisely that they never learned to self limit, in fact, I'd bet on that. What troubles me, however, is this very common (and relatively new) phenomenon of men whom's favorite, and frequently all consuming past time is playing xbox after work (before work, during work, instead of work, geting stoned and playing all night - oh dear I'm getting carried away). Right, I get it; they didn't learn to self limit. They weren't unschooled. Right, yes, probably.
Still, it's difficult momentarily to believe that at some point they will learn to self limit and will be fascinating people with very varied interests. They are not this currently. They are furious balls of energy who never tire of staring at a screen. They're interests are limited at best. For Jonas it's lego, video games, Miyazaki films, weapons and taking pictures of these things. For Lavinia it's tea parties, dress up, nursing, dolls, Miyazaki films and having her picture taken. Oh, and watching Jonas play video games.
Perhaps I have an irrational fear of this. That's likely. We have no television because I don't want the commercialism (among many, many other things) to be accessed freely whenever they wish. We still watch movies, though. We don't watch them during the day because I take care of other kids, too, but in the evening they have free reign over it. They're usually not that interested, and rarely ever watch anything back-to-back. So I can see that this idea works. I'm just stuck at the video games. I'm trying not to limit, and let it play out, but when it comes to online games there are just some things I cannot feel good about. Am I needlessly hung up about this?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
A new year
Lately I've been having some kind of identity crisis, or something. I do this frequently. Not an all out "what does my life mean?" "who am I?" life falling apart crisis. I don't have that luxury. No, I have these mini, one or two day freak outs. I still function, as I have to, but I feel like just laying on the floor and crying. I generally isolate myself when possible (my kids don't count with this, they are always around) and contemplate complete life changes. I think sometimes this can be helpful, but usually it just seems selfish. I am a person who is constantly evaluating and am obsessed with self improvement, so a freak out is not a much needed catalyst of reflection, but perhaps it jumps starts a proactive attitude. To be honest, I'm not really sure.
Typically I shrug these off as a side effect of lack of sleep, getting sick, getting over being sick, being emotionally drained, stress and the like. But when I think about who I am, I mean the real me, this is part of it. This is just my crazy. It may be simply how I react to those things, but it is me. I need to accept my crazy. I may even need to embrace it.
I have been struggling with embracing the whole me. I don't have a good grasp on what this means, but I want to find out. Surely there are spots that need improvement, but I've spent too much time worrying about what people think, and wanting to make everyone happy and comfortable. I feel schizophrenic because it's like an impulse, not something that is largely important to me. It turns out that I don't actually care at all, so I need to stop being hung up about it. I want to be done caring about these pointless things that I don't care about. I'm not good at it, but with practice I hope I can be. I'm worrying about what you think as I write this. That's silly. It's not easy to just put yourself out there. Much easier to be agreeable, polite, and quiet out of a bizarre fear of rejection.
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