Day 14

Wow, so shame on me for not posting. We've just been so very busy eating rice, chicken, and pears.


Things have been going well up until about day 12. I think I just wasn't as prepared as I had been with tasty foods they could have. They had eggs on day 12. Since then, they've had some wheat and dairy and probably soy and corn in Newman O's. and Corn chips. I haven't seen any direct reactions, but it's been hard to tell, especially since it was all those things at once and loads of sugar, too. Lavinia has been really hard to keep on track, though. I feel like I've totally failed the diet with her. She climbs and sneaks so much stuff.

Last night they had cheese popcorn with their dad. I don't know what that was about.

I have noticed that when this cheating started happened the crankies went into full force and the falling asleep/staying asleep/wetting the bed thing went through the roof. But of course, because it was this mix of foods I have no idea what's actually causing it. All I know is that the calm son I had the last two weeks has disappeared this morning and is replaced with I child I have a very strong urge to strangle. Maybe that's a bit extreme. I feel like that this particular moment, but in reality it's been relatively subtle.

Lavinia I think is fighting a cold, so theres that element to consider. But I'm counting down the hours till their dad comes, nonetheless. 7.5 hours. She's very, very, very whiny. Very irritable. Overly reactive and emotional. It's like she's on her period, 'cept way worse because she's also a four year old girl, thus always on her period. For those not familiar with four year old girls, imagine if you will a child who acts like a 14 year old girl perpetually menstruating. The weepiness, neediness, cravings for chocolate, the "I hate you! You're ruining my life"'s, the quick and drastic mood swings in which she is calm and sweet just long enough to put you off your guard. Got that? Ok, that's the norm; your baseline, as it were. Now imagine the phenomenal PMS to that base line. can you picture that? The complete hysteria? The constant screeming at the top of her lungs? the throwing herself to the floor and wailing about ballet slippers in a manor that would be a far more appropriate reaction to say, the death of a parent.
It's tricky to wrap your mind around what I'm saying, I know. It'd be easier if you just dropped by and witnessed it with your own eyes.

Thank god for Clifford and Curious George.

Day 5!

Well I dropped the ball on posting, but everything is going well!

Jonas and Lavinia were at their papa's house over the weekend so I'm not entirely sure how that went, but my understanding is that they didn't have anything off their diet and they didn't have any melt downs or accidents. yay!

Over all Jonas is doing really good. He seems to be handling things very well, better than I expect. His calm is lasting longer and he's loosing his cool less. There's still stimming, but mostly verbal stimming which he acknowledges he does when he's hungry. That's the thing I've found, I've got to be totally on top of the food thing at all times. There needs to be food there before they get hungry. I can handle that.

Last night they were with their papa and had gluten free lemon poppy cake and last night Lavi wet the bed, and she's been grumpy as hell today. I don't know what else was in that cake, but I'll take a guess at milk and eggs and soy.

We've been living on chicken and rice, mostly. And lots of fruit. This morning they had rice cereal with rice milk and grilled chicken for lunch. and snacking on fruit around the clock.

Jonas has been kind of yelly today. Well, everyone has. I had the refrigerator repairman come out this morning and I think that got everybody pretty exciting. It was quite entertaining, if I do say so myself.

Day 1, Take 3 - breakfast

Ah breakfast. Lavinia hasn't even come down yet - she's watching Curious George in my room, but Jonas is down here yelling at me about food. This is so lovely. He wants "sprinkle cheese" on his left over rice pasta. He was all happy and sweet and making a really impressively intricate drawing of excavations when he decide he was hungry and wanted something "heated up". So he snuck some and I caught him and felt like a total jerk throwing out his food. But what am I supposed to do?

The simplest solution is to not have anything he can't have in the house. But the problem is that I watch kids here all week and I can't very well put them on a diet, too. Plus, I'm not about to toss a ton of food that I already have. That's crazy talk.

Day 2, Dinner

For dinner both kids were with papa and had left over rice and veggies (which I don't think they ate, but were carrots, broccoli, orange bell pepper, onion, olive oil and salt) and I have no idea behavior wise how things went other than "normally".

Day 2, tofu + belly ache

Damnit. Jonas says his belly hurts. He pointed to right below his left ribcage.

Tofu is back out, and tomorrow is back to day 1. M'er F'ers.

Day 2, lunch

For lunch we had stir fry over brown rice. Yummy. But Lavinia didn't eat any veggies, and Jonas only had the aforementioned tofu. And man, rice is way better with butter.

Lavi's really whiny still, and quick to tears, overly emotional. She also had a peanut butter, honey and banana sandwich from a friend. I said it was ok because I was so tired of fighting already, and with her I'm really just thinking dairy and maybe eggs anyway. Wow, I really am horrible at this.

Day 2, I suck at this

ah crap. I caved. What is wrong with me? I suck at this!

I made tofu for Jonas after about an hour or so of his persistent whining, drawing pictures, and describing the benefits of tofu, threatening me and hitting and kicking me. Ugh. He refused to eat anything else and I just feared him not eating. That's the thing, he really will just not eat. I'm sure that he wouldn't starve himself, but he'd get close and he'd get completely out of control in the meantime. I'm trying to keep the peace.

But the thing is, I sat back and thought about why I suspected soy and I don't have any good reasons. Actually, the only ones I can really come up with are that he loves it and he couldn't handle it as a baby. Although, he was (seemingly) fine with it as early as 4 months old, so I dunno.

I'm just going to let him have tofu, but not any other soy, and see how it goes. This is hard.

Day 2, cheese and crackers delema

Oh good. He's angry and thrusting cheese and crackers in my face. Now he's crying. I'm trying to reason with him, but he's so mad.

he said "I know you're trying to make me healthy, but you're just making me even worse!" He does get it, but he doesn't like it. Poor guy. I don't blame him.

I've been trying the I know you'll make the right choice thing, and it is working, but he's pretty resentful. He now wants to prove me wrong. "I'm getting sick because I've been too much in the sun." (Mommy gets heat stroke easily).

I'm just really happy that this is Thursday and I can leave at 6pm. I need a break from this, it's too intense. It's harshing my vibe.

Day 2, and the horrific discovery

We have now officially made it through a day! That may not seem like a huge accomplishment, but I was a little more than nervous that we'd be starting over every day for the next few weeks.

Last night both kids stayed up late. I think I know why this happened. That damn routine. Let me just say right here that I am not the schedule mama, and if I had it my way we'd just go with the flow all day everyday. But dems fightin' words to Jonas. "Flow" is the poler opposite of this boy. He does need a loose routine so he can know what to expect. Yesterday we went hiking and when we got home, instead of getting ready for bed, I did some laundry and tidied up a bit, and let the kids play computer games. What a mistake. I couldn't get them off it. I finally went up to bed and they came wandering in much later. I think it was 11:30.

But do they sleep in this morning and get the sleep they need? Ha! Outrageous! Who would be so lucky? No, no, Jonas got up at 8:30, which is typical for him. Lavinia is still sleeping, though she wet the bed (hers this time, thankfully) again last night. Hmm... There is this cold floating around here, so who knows the cause, but I'm getting suspicious.

While Lavi and I were brushing teeth last night (couldn't pull Jonas away even for a minute) I smelled banana! Surely the only reason I'd noticed this now and not one of the bizillion other times we've brushed teeth is that I've got secret hidden allergens on the brain. Sure enough, stupid Tom's Of Main Silly Strawberry toothpaste lists the evil banana amongst its otherwise perfectly acceptable and healthy ingredients. Just switch, than, right? It's not a big deal, you say, there's plenty of better companies anyway, right? No. Not that simple at all.

I know anyone with a SPD kid will understand how grave this situation is. For those who don't, I'm not sure how to help you fully appreciate the magnitude of the toothpaste issue. But I will try. You see, Jonas is extra sensitive to touch and smell and taste (and all senses, but they're not important here). This toothpaste has what is the ONLY (I know this from trying and trying to get him to switch to another brand) perfect combination of texture, smell, and taste. Brushing teeth is always a battle, made only slightly better since the infinitely wise toothfairy brought him an electric toothbrush. This surely must be a most unpleasant experience for him, but we've been able to get him to brush pretty consistently with the trifecta of routine, fear, and this very special toothpaste. I have no idea what I'm going to do now.

Just to start my day on the best possible note, Jonas began whining for a banana the moment he came downstairs. Tell me how this is fair? He bellowed "I'm no longer on the special diet!" Which I find an amusing thing to yell, but not a fun stance to take. I assured him that wasn't going to happen, we made a list complete with pictures of all the things he can't have. That doesn't sounds smart, I know, but He wanted it laid out. He's not happy, and has yet to accept anything I have offered him to eat so far.

I haven't had the heart to burden him with the toothpaste debacle. He may just loose it.

Day 1, Take 2 - lunch and dinner

For lunch and dinner we had the same meal. I see the likelihood of this happened as pretty high, since there are still only a few things we're eating. We had rice pasta with a homemade marinara. Now, I know lots of people makes their own sauce, but I'm just not one of them. I did have a recipe, so on Jonas' insistence I made my very first marinara. It was ridiculously simple and pretty damn good. It actually was good enough to have it twice. I already have plans for improving it, though, and if we're going to be eating this much of it it'll have to kick ass.

We went hiking with our friends Aleks, Bastian, and Anna kiss. The prospect of playing with Aleks always gets Jonas really worked up. He had been wearing his pajamas inside-out all day and was unwilling to change and I almost caved and let him hike in inside-out PJs, but he was finally convinced after getting them wet with hand washing. Over all I think he did fine, though the waiting for them to get there was hard and the leaving was harder. Leaving is always hard. He was awfully scared because it was pretty dark in the woods, but he dealt with it well. No worse than expected.

We came home and ate more rice pasta. I think I'm starting to like this stuff.

Day 1, Take 2 - breakfast

Food wise our day is going well (that's not saying much at 10:30am, though). Jonas was happy this morning to discover a somewhat healthy and organic version of Rice Krispies and rice milk awaiting him for breakfast. He had three servings. Lavinia was pretty happy with it, too. She wet the bed last night, so I'm starting to think maybe she does have some food issues.

Jonas did have a little bit of a fit over bananas. I explained to him what I thought and about different kinds of reactions (because, as he said, sometimes he's fine) and about anaphylactic shock (something I knew he'd be intrigued by as well as get the seriousness of) and of course he needed to debate these ideas on the premise that such a good food must be good for you. Fair enough, by not good for you, my man.

He settled on the city fresh extra watermelon, courtesy of Annakiss. Lavinia had an apple, or as she put it, an apple-melon.

Behavior wise it's been pretty normal, if not slightly rosier than normal. Jonas has been a bit of a control freak, as always, but he's been open to redirection. He's also been rather affectionate. He cuddled on my lap this morning for 5 minutes and has stopped in for a few hugs here and there, too. Not altogether untypical, but upped to be sure.
He did get stressed out over the banana thing and started talking about how he didn't want this to happen again, and was clearly getting anxious over food choice limitations, but that resolved better than I expected, even.

Lavi (this is how we spell "Lovie" in reference to her, by the way, as in luh-VIN-ee-ah, or LOVE-in-ee-ah) has been whiny as hell. Quick to tears, and emotional. Oi. She's got the beginning of a cold, so it's probably just that. The wet bed, too.

Day 1, Take 2

Here we are, starting over. I've decided to just go with eliminating what I suspect to be an issue. If that isn't enough we can also go from there. Not surprisingly, I got over excited and jumped in over my head, and now I need to take a few steps back.

Here's the list of suspected allergens:

Wheat
Dairy
Soy
Corn
Eggs
Bananas

Here's our list of symptoms:

Jonas (SPD/ASD):

Tantrums
Aggression*
Low Impulse Control*
Selective Mutism**
Belly Ache/Upset Stomach
Chest Pain
Headache
Dark Circles Under Eyes

Lavinia (NT):

Tantrums
Excessive Whining
Belly Ache/Upset Stomach
Headache
Dark Circles Under Eyes
Bed Wetting


*These are not necessarily direct reactions to the allergen. These are SPD/ASD traits that are magnified by him feeling out of whack or sick. These are really what I'm most concerned about and the most prevalent. Again, not that I want him to be not autistic, but I want desperately for him to be happy and healthy and comfortable and able to control himself (alright, and not a social outcast, which he will quickly become if he can't control himself). He's not happy when he's like this. In fact, he's scared and defensive.

**Obviously Selective Mutism is a condition all it's own that is not exactly what I'm talking about. And certainly not an allergic reaction. But, the worst I've ever seen this is about 30 minutes after eating a banana (and I'm certain that was the only thing different than every other day). He got extremely worked up about having to put his shoes on (a sensory issue made more intense, no doubt) and getting ready to go to the park (something he loves but he always has anxiety over leaving, or well, any transition but especially physical ones). He started getting physical and rough with me and it just escalated into something I'd never seen before. He looked terrified and it was like he was trapped in this out of control spiral of stimming and hitting and kicking. He seemed so angry but his faced look scared. He refused to speak at all, or even acknowledge me speaking to him (He often ignores what he doesn't want to hear, but this was different, he wouldn't even nod). I had to restrain him, which I absolutely despise doing. When I've done so in the past, however, he's been pretty vocal about wanting to calm down and that he wants me to help and it works pretty effectively and relatively quickly. This was not the case. It was about 45 minutes of restraining him before he began to calm down (ok, so I get that this is a normal or average time frame for restraining to take effect, but it'd never been the case before with him). I kept telling him I'd let him free if he wanted, he just had to tell me, or even nod. Nothing. Just grunting and thrashing.

That is exactly my point. He couldn't speak. It was so unlike him. He just shut himself off in a way I'd never seen and it really freaked me the hell out. Not learning my lesson he still had bananas here and there and eventually had a similar reaction. I got it that time, and I've been careful about them, but because it's not a universal reaction I'd doubt myself and give in.

I do think he exhibits traits of Selective Mutism, but not in the classic ways. I wonder, though, if he would in a school setting (the typical presentation for SM is a child who speaks at home but never in certain settings, usually school, due to stress and anxiety). Under pressure and stress he clearly "clams up".

I may not even go so far as to reintroduce bananas to Jonas because these experiences with them have been so bad that I don't ever, ever want to risk it. I'm happy to believe at this point that bananas are a no-no for him.

For Lavina, I don't know if she has allergies to anything. Those symptoms are really occasional things that may have nothing to do with food. I guess we'll find out, though.

still day 1 - eating more

So this is not going well. Jonas has been flipping out about what he can't have and Lavina has been sneaking food. ugh. I'm really leaning toward just eliminating what I think may be the problem and expanding if that's not enough, because he's hating this, and I'm not really convinced that I shouldn't let him have some of these things. Though, everything he's wanted today are the big no-nos anyway. sigh.

I gave in at 5:45. He dragged a box of hidden Puffin cereal and the milk to me and I caved and let him have the dairy and corn. damnit. I guess tomorrow will be day one, take two.

still day 1 - freaking out

Only one day in and I'm starting to wonder if this is the right thing to do. Maybe I'm being to extreme about it? Maybe I should go for the GFCF diet and if that doesn't seem to cut it then head down the TED path? I don't know how committed I am because I keep thinking things like "I don't think tomatoes are a problem" and "Peaches, come on, who can't eat peaches?" but then I doubt that, too. I'm really confused, I guess, and there's this voice in the back of my head telling me I can't cure him and I shouldn't try and I don't want to be the mom who's desperate to change her child into something he's not. While I realize there is a difference between wanting your child to be a healthy autistic and want your child to not be autistic, I think the line may be thinner than I thought.

He does have food sensitivities, I'm pretty certain of that, but maybe it's going over board to cut out everything when I have some good guesses about what the real problem is. I guess I'm thinking about cutting out gluten and casein and dairy, and eggs, and soy and corn and sugar, and everything artificial, and bananas, and nuts.

So maybe I'll do ED instead of TED.

There's this cool food allergy blog of a MDC mama that talks about a lot of this. I especially love her section on the hidden ingredients. I thought I knew, but I was surprised by a lot, actually.

still day 1 - eating

As usual, Jonas has opted out of breakfast altogether. He wouldn't have done so this morning if I'd allowed him the waffles in the freezer, but now I'm a "mean mommy". Actually, I'm a dumb mommy because I bought them thinking "wheat free?! That's perfect!" Duh, they have soy, like everything in a box. They also have peach and pineapple juice, which are also not cool. I don't know what I was thinking not reading the ingredients. Actually, I do, I was very distracted while shopping because I had had a lovely weekend, greatly lacking in sleep and was volunteering for the Cleveland Food Co-Op's we're still here even though Euclid Corridor is riped up so come shop here or we're going to die thing. Oh well.

So, for Lunch I'm making fries and rice pasta, with a side of apples or pears and peas, for those interested in such things. I realize this is a very starchy meal, but what are ya going to do? The fries are pretty good. I just cut red skin potatoes into thin slivers and laid them in olive oil and salt and bake at 450 degrees for 25 minutes or until lightly brown and crispy, turning once somewhere toward the middle. I usually add rosemary and oregano to this (yum!) but the kids aren't big fans of it, and who knows, those could be a problem, too. Now, I served this with ketchup because Jonas was loosing it, and I don't think there's any problem with tomatoes, but I do question the sugar. I just don't know, maybe I messed up big there. The pasta was good too. I like this brand, it's not slimy like the others. Ick.


I can tell Jonas has the anxiety already. He burst into tears (so unlike him) over the ketchup thing, exclaiming "I can never eat anything good ever, ever again!" ugh.

Day 1

Alright, so we're starting the morning of day one. Jonas and I just had a talk about the whole thing. I'd mentioned it before, but I didn't want to get him freaked out about restricting his food choices any sooner than I had to. Anxiety is a big factor in his anger and impulse control so it seemed wise to not make him fret over it.

Ant any rate, the talk went well. I reminded him of how he gets tummy aches and chest pains and head aches - something very concrete that he can relate to - and also about how he gets too wound up and doesn't feel good and can't control himself. That one is hit or miss with him even acknowledging what I'm saying. I think he feels a lot of embarrassment about loosing it, and thus does not want to think about or address it at all. But, he agreed that if eating different foods would help him he'd be all for it. After all, pasta and pears are the go-to foods anyway, so if it's as simple as switching to brown rice pasta, I say bring it.

I'm following the Dr. Sears TED. While I'm nervous (mostly that nothing will come of this and it will be a huge waste of time) I'm excited and hopeful, too. I mean, could it really be as easy as controlling diet? That's such a tangible thing, unfathomably easier than controlling environment (the former main concern). I mean, I love control, control is what I do best. The biggest problem I see right now is with making sure everyone feeding this kid is sticking strictly to this diet. Steve, are you reading this? I'm talking to you. I suppose the simplest way to handle that is to supply their papa with approved foods. God, this is sounding like a lot of work.

Since he hasn't eaten anything yet there's little to post, so I think I'll leave it at this for now. I've already had wheat and dairy and caffeine, today. In fact, that is all I have had. I'm a hypocrite.

TED

so, yes, I'm a very bad blogger. I'm too busy having a very interesting life. *snort*

But now I have a reason to blog! We're going to start on a Total Elimination Diet, and I couldn't be more terrified.

See, I think Jonas is reacting to some things, wheat being high on the list. The problem is, these things are big parts of his already small diet, so I don't expect this to go well.

I intend to put us all on the diet, though I fully intend to cheat.

I suppose I've put it off long enough, so we're starting tomorrow, little do they know. mwahahaha!

Moving

People who know me know I love anything new.  I like dramatic change.  This does not sit well with Mr. routines and transition difficulty (that's putting it lightly) whom I have for a son.  Poor thing.  "Mommy I hate your new hair"  "I hate my new hair"  "I don't want to go to the store"  "we have to stay at the store!  I don't want to leave!"  and so on.  

Moving has always been hard for Jonas.  He remembers living in lots of different places and gets fired up when we talk about it.  It's traumatic for him.  However, mama doesn't make much money, so little improvements have to happen in baby steps.  When I get a chance to live in a little bit nicer house, a little bit more reliable car I take it.  But I always feel bad for him.  I wish his world could be the same forever - he's already dealing with so much as it is.

So I'm making a huge leap here and moving again - hopefully for the last time for many many years.  the longest I've lived anywhere in the last 7 years would be not quite two years.  But I've had a growing family and we've quickly outgrown ever place we've been in.  I have a big grown up boy on my hands and he needs some space!  Not to mention miss mess maker.

So, next weekend we'll be moving into a home that will at some point be ours.  Big back yard, quiet street, 4 bedrooms (yes, you read that right), usable attic and basement, a newly rebuilt front porch, central air, dishwasher, nice new efficient washer and dryer, nice appliances.... I could go on and on.  It's too good to be true.  Well, almost.  It's a lot more monthly than what I'm paying now.  I mean, a lot.  But I will be making more money, so it will even out, but I'm still unbearably nervous.  I keep getting butterflies every time I think about it - the good happy kind, and the omg what have I done kind.  But I'm nervous by nature, and my gut tells me this is good, but stomach just needs to catch up with that.

Oh yeah... the car

So I know you all are waiting with baited breath to hear about my car.  Or rather, that no one is out there reading me because I never post.  At any rate, it was a whole debackle, but the car is back to me finally!  yay hurray.  Below are my little updates as they happened.

I went downtown to get it, but they wouldn't let me have it. The lady on the phone (whom I waited 20 minutes on hold to talk to) told me I needed proof of ownership. I told her all my papers were in the car and asked if they would look it up, or at least check the papers in the glove box. She said that would probably work. "Probably". I should I have realized what that meant.

I get there, after parking and dragging my kids all over the city because I didn't know which door to go in ('cause little miss helpful on the phone told me the wrong one) and I walk up to the glass box and see a giant sign telling me I have to have proof of ownership. They told me what I had to do, and thanked me for not freaking out at them.

**

So I waded through all the paper work and running around to find my car in a very altered state. The steering column was broken off, and it wouldn't start at all (so who knows how it's running, yk?). The front bumper has been replaced with one of a different color, and is falling off. It's a little beat up, but nothing too bad. But the car seats are gone.


So I just got off the phone with the guy at the body shop. He's ordered a new (used) steering column and once they get that fixed they'll be able to run it and see what else is wrong. So far only hundreds in the hole, not thousands....yet. And that's not even counting the carseats.

**

It's all done! I have it back! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to go out and look at the car yesterday to tell them what else I thought needed done. I asked them if I might think it doesn't need anything else and he's all "oh no, I'm sure you'll want a few more things done, c'mon out and I'll show you". Well, he was pretty wrong, I thought it looked perfectly fine. I think he was sure I'd want a new radio and speakers. I do, but I can get it a lot cheaper someplace else.
So I rushed there as soon as I could, but they still had to keep the place open for me (traffic was AWEFUL and there was an accident so I had to get off at a different exit, made a wrong turn, blah blah blah) all that, and I couldn't really take the car home yet because I was by myself. Can none of this be simple? I worked it out ok (always somebody here to help me ) but I ended up driving to shaker hts from lakewood to clev hts (to park the car in Annakiss' garage) back to lakewood to meet my mom and drop off steve's car, back to cleveland hts to get my car (eat quiche and chocolate cake with anna - thanks! yumm!) and back to lakewood.

But it's back to me. My lovely little car. Actually, truth be told, it just keeps reminding me of how violated I feel everytime I see it. I hope that subsides. It's really disturbing. While I was driving it I kept thinking about other people being in it, taking off the bumper and taking out the stereo, tossing the carseats, dropping fastfood all over the seats.

Oh, but the best thing is that it hasn't cost me anywhere near as much as I thought it would! A little under $700! That's really not bad at all!!

Car update

So here's a little update on the car, but don't get too excited, ok?
Steve has a friend who's '90 Honda civic was stolen last sunday from lakewood (my city) just a few blocks from me, just a few days before mine.  The cops recoverd his car on friday with very, very little damage done, but missing his work stuff.  This is giving me a little hope.  I have been counting it as lost forever, but maybe not.  Sigh.  Hopefully I will have something good to post about soon.

The Police Just Left My House

Good title, huh? But for real, the police just left my house because my car was stolen. Who steels a 10 year old car?



Steve was at my house the other day with the kids. I got back from wherever I was and blocked him in. When he left I had him move my car to the street (cause I'm lazy). It was there the next day (that is, yesterday- wednesday). Last night I saw it before going to bed. Today, maybe around 9-10am I'm sitting in the living room feeding the cute baby and I notice my neighbors pulling into their normal spot, where my car should be! omg. where's my car?!?!?! My first thought is that steve moved it, or it was towed. I talk to steve and he didn't move it. damn.



So I don't call to find out what's going on because I have a buncha kids being noisy in my house, and I can't very well go get it now anyway - and IF it had been stollen I would freak out. I waited till everyone was napping (a miracle!) around 3:30. They didn't tow my car. shitshitshitshitshit! I really thought they towed it for some stupid reason (they do that a lot). So they send some pretty boys over to my house so I can make a report. Good thing the kids were napping and I had time to straighten up! I would not want them to see how it looked an hour earlier! It needed vacuumed, though. I'm so embarrassed!



I can't stop shaking. I'm trying to be light hearted about this, but I'm not doing so well. I already lost it with Jonas. He's been pushing my buttons lately anyway. I think I'm going to vomit. This is too much!
  

Snow

GAAH!  Waist deep snow.  Yesterday I spent over three hours shoveling waist deep snow out of my rather long driveway.  My back hurts.  I hear three people have died of shoveling snow this weekend.  I was not among them but there was a point where I could understand how it happens.  

I'm tired.  Stupid daylight savings time.  You know, 7:30 came an hour early this morning.  That wasn't fair.  The kids I watch are sick today (how very encouraging for our overall health...) which means I could go back to bed.  Except, I  f'ed around on the computer too long and now my kids are up.  Oops!  We should go somewhere today.  Maybe to the grocery store since I wasn't able to get out of the house on saturday like I had planned.  


So. Much. Snow.

cold season and personal growth

We've fared mostly well this cold seaons, with the exception of a "24 hour flu" in which Jonas only vomited once with no other symptoms, Lavinia had an evening of being pretty consistently sick but woke up feeling fine, and I felt like I was repeatedly run over by a truck for 4 days while emptying my stomach of all possible content every hour. It's seems really unfair, but in this I started to learn that I need to set some limits concerning my sleep/work priorities. People have been telling me this, and I've know it would be a good idea, but I guess I needed a good kick in the ass to really get it. Actually, I didn't "get it" right away after that, either. I'm thick.
I had been watching kids in my home mondays - thursdays (8 hours days, give or take), then working over nights thursdays and saturdays as a postpartum Doula. That's crazy, I know, but it paid the bills. As this routine started to really ware on me it also started to become less available. I slowly started to realize I can't live like this and stay healthy. Then that theory was proven rather efficiently.
Then I did something that surprised even myself. When a ridiculous, drive across town in a snowstorm to a house I've never been to, 1 night fill-in job was offered to me I turned it down. It's hard to fight the urge to make just a little more money because I know how much we need every little penny. At the same time, though, I know that we're doing fine and will continue to do fine, and that "need" is a really subjective term.
Since turning that job down I've felt much better about the whole thing, and am more willing to turn down opportuneties that really won't work well for me. I've started with a new (and very adorable) little one two days a week, and that will help fill the financial space of those jobs I thought I had to do. I'm feeling good about things, and in a few months I'll have this new cutie and her big brother three days a week which will put me ever so slightly above the two job income without any of the stress, lack of sleep, and lack of social life (for me and my kids)!

I know this sounds like very tiny steps, but for me it's breaking the mentality behind the actions that I'm excited about. That tiny step is going to make way for much larger personal progress. I think.

Blog More

Oh my. I really don't post very often. I'm trying to remedy this.

I guess, for now, I'll just talk about my day. Here's how it's gone thus far:
Alarm goes off at 7:22am. I jump up carefully so as not too disturb the little sleeplings nestled in on either side of me. This kind of breath holding, barely moving, slide out of bed with as little disruption as possible is like creeping past a pack of wolves, with that constant concern of what will happen if you fail. I've never actually tried to sneak past a pack of wolves, but I imagine it would be much like this. The consequences of either are about the same. I'd probably be very good at it.
At any rate, I foolishly decided to hit snooze and climb back into my warm cocoon. Actually, I did that twice. But by a quarter to eight I had no choice but to finally face the morning. It seemed harder than usual.
After this it's usually shower, dress, coffee, and breakfast in front of the computer. Unfortunately those bad decisions I made first thing this morning came back to bite me in the ass. The unthinkable happened; Lavinia woke up. While I'm getting dressed she woke up, which meant the routine already made tight by my selfish desire for 8 more minutes of sleep was made impossible by having to help her start her day. Stupid, unthinking me. I didn't even get to finish making breakfast, let alone sit around with coffee, before the little ones arrived. Since then it's been "take me to the bathroom....feed me.....watch me...feed me.....I have to PEE!!!!.....I'm hungry.....I can jump off the table onto the chair....AAAAHHHHHH it hurts so much!.....I want apples....I don't like apples I want cheese....I hate you forever.....read me a story.....Do I look bootiful? NO! I don't look bootiful I look cool.....I'm hungry......I have to pee...." and so on.

As if this isn't enough, I'm trying to think of something interesting to do after the childcare children leave (in about 10 minutes.) This is more difficult than it sounds, being Feburary in Ohio. Most interesting places close at 5pm on weekdays, and we've worn out the places that don't. Spring needs to find us soon. We barely get out of the house anymore, especially the kids.

My plan is to feed them dinner, take them somewhere (anywhere, at this point) and get them back home, jammas, brushed teeth, clean faces, and quietly in bed by 8pm. If I achieve this miracle I will have time to myself before getting that early bedtime I so desperately need.

Why is there orange juice on the floor?

...and on the table, and in the tea set, and the play toaster? *let it go, let it go, let it go...* "WHY IS THE ORANGE JUICE ALL OVER THE FREAKING HOUSE!?!?!" Oops. I really meant to let it go this time. Alright, so the orange juice incident may be directly related to my time-wasting on the computer, but really, why are they playing with orange juice at all? Is this mess making or learning? Oh damnit. It's the same thing. I'm just a freakin' control freak. Ok, fine, but what are they learning? No, stop it, stop it. ugh, I'm constantly dissecting their activities and behaviours. This may not be wise. I need to let it go.

It's probably that I want to show off how learny they are, and prove that unschooling works. It defeats the point of unschooling if I keep searching for and bragging about their "learning moments". Unschooling is supposed to be not focusing on this. It's supposed to be learning life. All their learning is relevant, not just the academic related things. I know this. I have nothing to prove here, really. I was unschooled - I know it works, that's why I'm doing it.  Why do I keep second guessing myself? Why do I feel this overpowering desire to see academic "results"? Why am I measuring the importance of one type of skill against another?  I don't need external validation to know that unschooling is good for us.  My hope is that they will eventually learn that when you pour orange juice all over the table it spills onto the floor and makes a big sticky mess, which is unpleasant and you'll have to change your clothes which is inconvenient and disrupts the flow of the tea party.  Not that when you pour orange juice all over the table mom yells at you and you don't have any fun.  

Maybe I'm just a neat freak with mess hang ups. Actually that's not a maybe, that's a definite. There needs to be some middle ground that I can feel good about. The truth is, I'm exhausted and the thought of cleaning up an additional, huge mess is overwhelming. But it's not fair for me to refuse them such fantastic sensory experiences - especially Jonas. In fact, I should be ecstatic that he wants to get messy. That's such a positive thing. Except, you know, I have to clean up the mess when they're done. See, I really don't want to limit them out of convenience for me.

video games?

   I believe in radical unschooling.  I swear I do.  You know, in theory.  I'm a patient, don't sweat it kind of girl (ignore other posts saying complete opposite of this) but there are some things I'm not so convinced of here, namely, tv and video games.  I read a blog talking about this very subject.  Good points, sure, nothing I haven't heard before by the very loud and abundant RUs out there.  I'm waiting for someone's words to inspire hope in me, but so far I'm left in a quandary.  "Make your life more interesting."  Right.  I know that's a good answer, but my fear is that my life isn't that interesting.
   For some people there is nothing so fascinating as video games.  I know you can waste hours and think you've only been on a short time.  This worries me.  I have trouble myself with wasting time online when I have millions of other things that I should be doing.  I've seen weak people fall at the hand of online RPGs.  It's hard for me to be trusting in this.  Sure, people who spend their whole lives playing video games, and have no real interests outside of them, are the exception.  Perhaps their problem is precisely that they never learned to self limit, in fact, I'd bet on that.  What troubles me, however, is this very common (and relatively new) phenomenon of men whom's favorite, and frequently all consuming past time is playing xbox after work (before work, during work, instead of work, geting stoned and playing all night - oh dear I'm getting carried away).  Right, I get it; they didn't learn to self limit.  They weren't unschooled.  Right, yes, probably. 
   Still, it's difficult momentarily to believe that at some point they will learn to self limit and will be fascinating people with very varied interests.  They are not this currently.  They are furious balls of energy who never tire of staring at a screen.  They're interests are limited at best.  For Jonas it's lego, video games, Miyazaki films, weapons and taking pictures of these things.  For Lavinia it's tea parties, dress up, nursing, dolls, Miyazaki films and having her picture taken.  Oh, and watching Jonas play video games.  
   Perhaps I have an irrational fear of this.  That's likely.  We have no television because I don't want the commercialism (among many, many other things) to be accessed freely whenever they wish.  We still watch movies, though.  We don't watch them during the day because I take care of other kids, too, but in the evening they have free reign over it.  They're usually not that interested, and rarely ever watch anything back-to-back.  So I can see that this idea works.  I'm just stuck at the video games.  I'm trying not to limit, and let it play out, but when it comes to online games there are just some things I cannot feel good about.  Am I needlessly hung up about this?

A new year

Lately I've been having some kind of identity crisis, or something. I do this frequently. Not an all out "what does my life mean?" "who am I?" life falling apart crisis. I don't have that luxury. No, I have these mini, one or two day freak outs. I still function, as I have to, but I feel like just laying on the floor and crying. I generally isolate myself when possible (my kids don't count with this, they are always around) and contemplate complete life changes. I think sometimes this can be helpful, but usually it just seems selfish. I am a person who is constantly evaluating and am obsessed with self improvement, so a freak out is not a much needed catalyst of reflection, but perhaps it jumps starts a proactive attitude. To be honest, I'm not really sure.
Typically I shrug these off as a side effect of lack of sleep, getting sick, getting over being sick, being emotionally drained, stress and the like. But when I think about who I am, I mean the real me, this is part of it. This is just my crazy. It may be simply how I react to those things, but it is me. I need to accept my crazy. I may even need to embrace it.
I have been struggling with embracing the whole me. I don't have a good grasp on what this means, but I want to find out. Surely there are spots that need improvement, but I've spent too much time worrying about what people think, and wanting to make everyone happy and comfortable. I feel schizophrenic because it's like an impulse, not something that is largely important to me. It turns out that I don't actually care at all, so I need to stop being hung up about it. I want to be done caring about these pointless things that I don't care about. I'm not good at it, but with practice I hope I can be. I'm worrying about what you think as I write this. That's silly.  It's not easy to just put yourself out there.  Much easier to be agreeable, polite, and quiet out of a bizarre fear of rejection.